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Adoption |
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Adopting the Hurt Child : Hope for... | Gregory Keck Regina M Kupecky |
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Survival Skills for Parents of Pre-Teens
by
Dr. Brian Campbell (Licensed Psychologist)
New Life Christian Counseling Center
405 Waymont Ct., Ste. 111
lake Mary, Fl 32746
Tel: 407-322-6868
Website: Counseling4Chrisitans.com
Get the Big Picture:
Step back; Re-think the Journey!
Analyze your resources.
Can’t win the battle if too tired; broke financially, etc.
Sit down with master schedule
Analyze your surroundings: traffic flow; physical space; noise levels
Schedules: Are you doing too much; cut back where possible
Learn to say "No" when asked to take on extra work
Parenting is your first and most important job
Time Management: Car pool; only one sport or extracurricular activity at a time
Get Help: Do you need to enlist more troops for the battle? Relatives, friends, etc.
Don’t forget help from church, synagogue, etc.
Get professional help if necessary
Analyze Their Hideout:
Does their room have a TV; computer; Nintendo, Gameboy; X-Box?
Don’t expect to see them or talk to them for the next 5-7 years
Keep electronics out of their rooms as much as possible
Put computer in a public place. No tv in room, Gameboy, etc.
Divide and Conquer:
Keep siblings physically in different space in home if possible.
Use Rule: Only one person in the bathroom at a time, etc.
Use timer if necessary to limit time.
Find Time for Your Pre-Teen:
For children, even pre-teens, love is spelled T-I-M-E.
They notice if you support them at school, sporting event, religion, etc.
Set a Good Example:
Children learn through observing
Pre-teens are becoming more aware of what you are doing.
They notice inconsistencies in what you say and what you do.
If you don’t want them to drink, don’t drink.
If you don’t want them to swear, don’t swear.
If you don’t want them to smoke, stop smoking.
If you want them to be respectful, show respect for others.
If you don’t want them to lie, don’t tell lies yourself, even in little things.
If you don’t want them to yell and scream, don’t yell and scream at them.
If you don’t want them to look at bad things on the internet, don’t do it yourself.
Get help for yourself if you need to stop addictive or inappropriate behaviors.
Clarify Rules:
Sit down and write down basic rules of the house. Go over with pre-teen
Negotiate a little, but not too much. This is your house and you know best.
Don’t have too many rules.
Enforce the rules you do make.
Post rules in environment if possible.
Help Them Find and Make Good Friends:
Ask who friends are.
Talk to their friends’ parents if possible.
Get telephone numbers of friends’ parents for emergencies
Deny access to friends if possible "toxic" friends (They do drugs, sex, alcohol)
Get them involved in church groups, synagogues, scouts, girl scouts, etc.
Facilitate the development of "good" friends. Take them places, etc.
Your child’s friends are often the most important thing in their world and the most influential.
Spend your time and money helping your child develop good friends.
Trust but Verify:
Double check on everything they do.
Make sure they go where they say they are going.
Call parents to other kids to verify stories.
Any suspicion, interrogate.
Tell them you think they may be telling a lie.
If they tell the truth right now, they will get a mild punishment, but if they continue to lie and you discover truth, they
will get a major punishment.
Reward Behavior Incompatible With Misbehavior:
The best defense is a good offense.
The technical term here is: differential reinforcement of incompatible behavior.
If they’re doing this (the good thing), they can’t be doing that (the bad thing).
Keep them busy with appropriate activities.
It’s easier to drive a child to soccer than to attend classes at the juvenile detention center.
Sports, extracurricular activities; church or synagogue are extremely important.
Keep them busy and tired–but don’t overdo it.
Use "Grandma’s Rule" To Get Things Done:
This is a very powerful technique.
Basically, you do the following when you want your child to do something.
Have child do the least preferred before doing the more preferred.
"Do this first (the thing you want) before you do that (the thing they want)."
"When you’ve picked up things in your room, then you can watch tv."
"When you’ve cleaned the dishes, then you can go outside with your friends."
(My mother made me pull weeds before playing baseball...worked every time.)
Use Good Manners and Be Polite:
Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Use Please, Thank You, and "I’m Sorry."
These are great survival skills that you should use and that should be taught to children.
De-Escalate!...Don’t Escalate:
Don’t go into the "dog fight."
You lose if your pre-teen manages to consistently get you upset.
Rethink what you are doing and try another way.
Time yourself out of the situation if necessary.
Do not give in, but do not escalate.
Stay calm, control the consequences for bad behavior.
Remember that you can provide consequences at some later time if necessary.
Control What You Can Control:
Use punishments that "count" and that you can control.
TV, Computer, Telephone, Car (when older), rides, can all be controlled.
Take things out of room. Put in safe place. Lock them up, or get them out of house.
Also consider: turn off electricity to room from breaker; take out computer keyboard or
gameboard controllers, etc.
Take away telephone (or shut off service); don’t take them to places the want to go, etc.
Cancel the internet, or set up passwords.
Remove the TV from the house entirely for a brief time.
Get Reinforcements Or Help If Necessary:
Get backup when necessary.
If both parents available, stand together and be strong..
Do not disagree in front of the child. This is called "undermining."
Undermining is one of the worst things you can do.
If you disagree with your spouse, call time out and go to another room to discuss.
Never argue in front of child about discipline.
If a single parent, be tough. Stand up to inappropriate behavior.
Single parent moms often need help with pre-teen boys.
If divorced, try to get your "ex" to support you in discipline.
Use the police for property damage or physical violence (it is domestic violence)
Consider "boot camps" or other programs available from police.
If pre-teen runs away, call the police (911)
Truancy: Call police and ask about any truancy programs they may have.
Get Tough If Necessary:
You have a right and obligation to search children’s rooms if you suspect problems
Get drug test kits from pharmacy if you suspect drugs.
Get a breathalizer if you suspect alcohol (available on the internet)
Get the "Spector" software program if you suspect pornography, or internet relationships.
Require an AIDS education program if child is suspected of being sexually active.
Don’t worry if they don’t like you.
Don’t Consort With the "Enemy"
If you are in a war situation, treat it as war.
Do not negotiate, especially when the child is being belligerent, or hostile.
Your objective is not to have your child like you; your objective is to socialize your child
"Train him/her in the way they should go."
For a child: "Delay is victory." If he/she can get you talking and negotiating, s/he will feel like they are winning.
Many people talk too much. As the Nike commercial used to say: "Just do it!"
You can explain some things, briefly, but don’t get into lengthy discussions
about why you are requiring this or that.
The child is just stalling and hoping you give in.
Time Off For Good Behavior:
Prisoners without time off for good behavior kill their prison guards.
Keep punishments reasonable.
Week-long or month-long punishments have little effect on behavior.
Almost all punishments should be over within the day.
At most, you will restrict for a weekend, with the possibility of earning one day back.
Let child "earn back" part of the time, etc., for compliance and good behavior.
Example: You’re grounded for the weekend, but you can earn one day back.
I’ll tell you later what you have to do to earn back the time.
Example: You’ve lost your tv privileges for this evening.
You can earn ½ hour back if you clean up your room and apologize to me.
Some Rules of the House:
Rewards: TV, Computer, Nintendo, Intenet, Telephone use; going out with friends, going outside, allowance, etc.
Punishment: Loss or Restriction from Above
No swearing: Fine ($1.00) of spending money. Put in a special jar. Use for other expenses.
No hitting siblings: Restriction of privileges. Appropriate apology. Doing something nice for other person.
Bedtime: Pre-teens. 9:00 - 10:00 on weedays.
Friends: Tell parents where you are going and with whom.
Talking back: One warning; then restriction of privileges, timeout, writing "lines"
After school: No one allowed in house without explicit permission. No boy/girl situations allowed; No boy/girl situations ever allowed in room with door shut even if parents home.
Truancy:
According to Florida Law, you are legally responsible for having your child attend school. Florida Statute 232.19(a): "The parent-A parent who refuses or fails to have a chld who is under his control attend school regularly, or who refuses or fails to comply to prescribed requirements of the school district, is guilty of a misdemeanor of the second degree punishable as provided by law."
If your child cuts school, call the S.T.A.Y. program. If child is picked up, he will go to the Juvenile Assessment Center (located across the street from the new Seminole County Jail). They will assist in helping you and your child. They can refer to the Operation Right Track if child doesn’t comply.
Running Away:
If your child goes somewhere without your permission, he/she is a missing person or runaway. You can call the police and they will locate and bring him/her back. They can refer the child to the Operation Right Track (see below).
Domestic Violence:
Destruction of property; violence toward others, hitting, pushing, shoving, uncontrollable behavior. If things get out of control, consider calling 911. They will come and talk to the child.
Operation Right Track:
Seminole County Program for children on the edge of deliquency. Children age 10-17 qualify for the program. This is a "boot camp." Participants attend a required registration session held at the training center. Children are exposed to a variety of experiences aimed at compliance to rules and regulations. Physical exercise and education classes on alcohol and drugs. 12-hour program. Parents are required to attend a ½ hour parent effectiveness training session at the training facility. Youths are tracked for 6 weeks following their participation. C. Ray Vinson (Coordinator of Program) Tel: 407-830-9111 ex. 2408.